I am beginning a new journey and I am grateful for the vast, crazy, painful set of experiences we had because I have become sensitized, aware, more conscious of how precious time and being present for each moment of it can be.
At some point in the not-too-distant future I will no longer be able to appreciate a beautiful sunrise or sunset nor the lapping of the waters on the shore of the sound or the birds migrating with the seasons and hearing their call as they fly overhead.
You know that I love to watch the hawks and the eagle circle and glide above the treetops keeping their gaze on the ground below and to pump hard on the pedals of my bicycle and feel the sweat run down my body as I climb a hill.
I love the first bite of a toasted everything bagel with vegetable cream cheese after a long ride and the sweet taste of the “do it yourself” machine made cappuccino even though I know that it is liquid chunks of chemicals and calories I am ingesting with every sip.
I am learning to love the friends and family members that are checking in on me, inviting me to dinner, walks in the woods, trips to Nairobi and Provence France even though I am not ready for big decisions, or travel abroad.
As I recite the things that I am grateful for and include the decades we had together, it does not fill the void of your passing. People who know say that it split our souls apart and that must be true because I can feel the jagged edges of my soul without you.
I am incomplete and I am just learning to navigate. I feel like I am walking with crutches on a rock-strewn icy trail, but I know that you would not let me wallow in self-pity, and I am grateful for the lessons in patience, persistence, and perseverance that we two kids learned as we grew into one together. I will just have to apply those characteristics and those hard fought and hard-won lessons to the journey I am making without you by my side but still so present in my heart.